How not to write an Evangelion Romance fanfic
by Thaeonblade
Summary: Ever wanted to write a story pairing Shinji with his true love? It's best to start with what you shouldn't do and this guide is here to help!
1. Chapter 1

**Copyright: Take what you will from this, but I own nothing...sadly...**

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><p><strong>How not to write an Evangelion Romance Fanfic<strong>

**-Inspired by sentinel28's story: How Not to Write Evangelion Fanfics**

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><p>As much as we might fight it, all of us have a healthy respect or regard for love stories. The classic tale of two people joining together emotionally, spiritually, and physically has appealed to us for ages.<p>

So you're probably thinking of giving a go at it...right? But you don't know how to make it believable.

To do this, you have to treat the situation based on an observance-detail. What was it about other romances that drew you in? Why do you hate the romance of Twilight? What is it about Mary-Sue that pisses you off so much that when she ends up with the main hero/heroine, it makes you ready to destroy your computer?

So there you go. Start with what you hate about the bad romances and shipping fics that you read and decide not to go that route.

To help you, I've compiled a list of things you shouldn't do when writing a romance fanfic, here we go now!

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><p><strong><em>1. Drastically changing a character's personality without reason.<em>**

This is fanfiction, true, but even fixer or peggy sue fics have a transitional period where the change is explained and for what reason the change occurred. When done right, those fics managed to change something about the character without betraying their fundamental personality traits.

Example: Shinji describes to Hikari why he didn't go out with anyone else over a simple drink chat.

"Shinji...you're not serious..."

"Oh I wish that I wasn't, but it did happen."

"Rei had a giant cake delivered to your apartment and then she was inside of it naked with whip cream written on her...chest asking you to lick it off?"

"Exactly...and then there was Asuka..."

"Yeah...when did she..."

"Become a Jehovah's Witness? Good question..."

"Is that why you won't let her in, Shinji-kun?"

"Exactly why I won't let her in."

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><p><strong><em>2. Unrealistically demonizing the third romantic option.<em>**

If you have a favorite pairing, then fine. If you have something against the other romantic option, that's alright to. But if you're going to bash the other option, then you better know what your talking about. AKA, bring up an interesting and convincing argument from canon on how the other pairing wouldn't work out and treat the character fairly.

Make it clear that your couple is the main one, but that the other character isn't bad by themselves...most of the time.

Otherwise, you'll discredit yourself and your story and put-off readers from finding your writing interesting.

Example: How one could solve the potential love triangle of Shinji-Hikari-Toji...badly...

"Shinji!" Hikari dived through the open door and clung onto Shinji as the young man held her while Penpen closed the door.

"Hikari..." The girl was a mess, her clothes were completely torn up and blood sipped down from her mouth, "What happened?"

"Toji..." That bastard! Shinji's teeth clenched in anger. Why couldn't that jock just leave them alone?

"You look terrible...Did Toji try to rape you?" Hikari nodded her head, though it hurt due to an ugly bruise on her neck.

"Did he hit you?" At that Hikari shook and began to cry loudly, "It's okay! You're safe in my skinny malnourished arms!"

"Hey!" A loud and evil voice yelled from outside, "Get that bitch out here so I can hit something!"

"Go away!" Hikari screamed before she clung to her beloved all the more tightly, "It's those damn steroids...ever since I chose you, he's been taking them like hot tomales."

"I'll get my gun." Shinji found that he didn't need to. Penpen handed the boy his Rapid-Fire DMR and watched as Shinji stepped outside and closed the door behind hm. Gunshots rang and a demon roared before all grew quiet again and Shinji reentered covered in cuts, "Monster."

"Hope he burns in hell..." Hikari muttered as she hugged her lover and kissed his cuts before kissing him on the lips.

Growing bored with the scene, Penpen just wobbled out to collect dinner for the week.

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><p><strong><em>3. A rapid transition from friend to soulmate-lover without context.<em>**

There are only two places where characters who have hardly interacted should get hitched on sight. 1) Disney movies who can get away with that. 2) Vegas.

Since you are mostly likely not in either place, you should set a pace for the bond and let it grow gradually or at a pace fitting for your kind of story. It's simply more realistic, two people on a simple date don't make-out for two hours, especially if it's the first date.

Example: Hikari wanting to have Shinji's babies after he gives candy to a little kid.

"Here you go." Shinji patted the little boy on the head and smiled as the child ran off with a candy bar. Little did he know that a class rep. in the heat was watching him.

"Shinji..." The pig-tailed girl whispered in the boy's ear, "You...me...that alley...Right now!"

"As much as this is very uncomfortable and sporadic for me..." As much as Shinji thought that the nasty in the alley wasn't exactly sanitary or safe from perverts, he found himself unable to resist to the draw of a beautiful woman wanting him to take her, "I am completely okay with this."

*One Hot and Kinky Lemon involving bondage and a really unrealistically big "lance" scene later*

"I love you Shinji." The girl said before she passed out on her lover's chest as they lied on the strangely comfortable floor of the alleyway.

"I love you too." Sure it was completely sporadic and neither of them had made in preparations for unwanted surprises.

But they loved each other, isn't that what mattered?

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><p><strong><em>4. Having one of the characters do something and the other never calls them out on it.<em>**

Humans are flawed creatures, so we're prone to making mistakes. But sometimes, we need others to point out to us are faults because we may not see them. In a pair, there's going to be a few hiccups. One character might be very extroverted and loud and the other is probably shy and reserved. If neither ever gently nudge the other to either become a bit more open about their feelings or curb any vice that they have, then you set a precedent for an unhealthy relationshp.

In real life, unhealthy relationships never end well. **Never.**

Example: Hikari denying Shinji's habit for senseless murder despite the evidence brought up by Rei.

"You have not slept, class representative."

"Don't worry about me Rei."

"Is it Shinji?"

"No! Of course it isn't Shinji..."

"I saw him with five hookers near my apartment."

"That wasn't him-"

"When he left the room he took them to, he was covered in blood."

"You're probably imagining things Rei! Shinji would never-"

"Then how do you explain your scarf?"

"This thing? He gave it to me after-"

"Penpen went missing."

"That doesn't mean-"

"And your scarf matches Penpen's coat."

"What a coincidence!"

"And they call me a doll."

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><p><strong><em>5. Pointless Drama for the sake of Drama.<em>**

Remember when Elizabeth had a crush on Jake Sparrow even though she was engaged to Will? Then she kissed him to distract him and handcuff him to the mast? And when Will found out, he and Liz had a strain in their relationship for most of the third movie?

Drama is great, but too much drama or drama for the sake of drama can put off readers because it doesn't add anything to the main plot. When something happens, it better add to the status quo. This type of drama usually either ends stupidly, or resolves in a way that made it unnecessary to happen in the first place.

Example: I just gave one! Fine...Asuka trying to seduce Shinji...after he declares that he loves Hikari.

"Wanna make out Shinji-kun?"

"Not with you..."

"Wanna play with my breasts and make them expand?"

'Not with yours."

"Wanna give me your baby-"

"Hell no."

"Come on...just a quickie..."

"NO!"

"What? Why not? Afraid that mommy will see you in heaven Shinji?"

"Asuka...hello? I'm in love with Hikari! She's the first person in this f%$king town who loves me without some bullshit condition and has actually told me this...to my face! Why would I do anything to f#k that up?"

"Because I'm a red-head with big breasts for my age and I go for what I want?"

"Really? What about the fact that Hikari is the only person here who doesn't hate your ass? And you really want to flirt around with me?"

"Don't be such a-"

"I mean...I already know what's going to happen! If I give in, I'll feel guilty and probably try not to tell Hikari about it! And I'm a terrible liar so she'll know instantly and we'll break up! I'll be emotionally distraught and tormented! Maybe even set myself up to get more manipulated by my bastard father! He might even choose Hikari to pilot an infected Eva and I'll have to fight her and probably either kill her or horribly injure her somehow because of some evil AI that my dad will turn on! Then if Hikari survives, she'll recover, we'll make up and you'll be seen as the bitch that you are because I bet that you wouldn't have the common courtesy to even try to apologize because your so damn arrogant and proud! You'll probably even fall in love with an angel disguised as a cute albino boy who I'll crush and you'll be pissed off at me for it. Maybe even push off the catwalk as I'm getting out of Eva and cause me to fall really far down, break a bunch of bones, get a concussion and fall into a coma just as the JSSF arrives to kill everyone while you wallow in your Eva-"

"Alright fine! You're not even that hot anyway!"

"I wouldn't have minded a threesome...but you're too much of a bitch!"

"What was that?"

"I said that your a bitch!"

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><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Take from this whatever you will, I was honestly having fun with it.**

**If I think of anything else, you'll find it here, till then, enjoy these first five tips.  
><strong>


	2. Chapter 2

**Copyright: Take what you will from this, but I own nothing...sadly...**

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><p><strong>How not to write an Evangelion Romance Fanfic<strong>

**-Inspired by sentinel28's story: How Not to Write Evangelion Fanfics**

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><p>Hey everyone.<p>

One key thing to keep in mind when writing a romance is that you're still writing about two people. So it's like writing about the interaction of any other character only with a certain importance to it.

That said, this why it is easy to screw up.

To help, here are five more tips on how not to write an evangelion romance fic.

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><p><em>1. Be careful with your dialogue.<em>

Remember the romantic conversations in the prequels?

The one's where they never shut up about how beautiful they were or how much in love they were?

That's not how couples talk in real-life, don't do that.

When couples talk to each other, there's a dynamic involved. It has to feel like two people talking to each other. Sometimes they may be argumentative, they like to tease each other, or they're very cordial.

I'm not going to talk about topics for the characters to talk about, but I'd say it should be something related to their environment, a situation that happened recently, a personal belief, or a topic that is eventually revealed to be relevant to the plot.

Example:

"I don't like the moon." Shinji said to Hikari as they stood on a banister watching the night sky, "It's pale, emotionless and it invades your space without your permission."

"Not like you." Shinji turned to Hikari and brushed his hand across her face, "Your face is alive...and smooth..."

"You're new at this aren't you?"

"Asuka thought it was a-"

"And there's your problem, you rehearsed it." Hikari playfully rubbed Shinji's hair before she went back inside.

"Why didn't you warn me?" Shinji said to a nearby penguin as it reassembled a sniper rifle in less than a second and aimed at a certain commander across town.

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><p><em>2. Don't throw your characters straight into bed.<em>

I'll keep this brief because it speaks for itself.

There's nothing wrong with a lemon in a romance story. Lemons are okay, but lemons thrown in for the hell of it or lemons that are obviously a blantant excuse for written porn can cause readers to roll their eyes.

There has be a reason for the lemon if you're going to put it in. Consummation seems like a good reason, but with the way sex lives are in real life nowadays, there has to be a deeper reason.

The characters have to talk about this and make sure that they and the audience know that it's something that they want to do. Spur of the moment decisions seldom end well and this is even true in fanfiction.

Example:

This probably isn't really needed...and I'd have to bump up the rating to write the appropriate scene to demonstrate so...yeah...sorry folks.

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><p><em>3. Avoid the Dumb-ass in distress syndrome.<em>

If you've seen any of the Nostalgia Critic episodes then you'll know what I'm talking about. As opposed a damsel in distress, a dumbass in distress is a character whose shown to be competent and able to take themselves suddenly being thrown into a situation that they should have easily avoided or should easily be able to get out of.

But they won't and need to be rescued.

This is something that I would also like to call the Protagonist In Peril syndrome because it's usually a main character who suffers this.

Case in point on the female side is a girl whose shown to be a weapons expert and strong enough to beat grown men twice her size during the first and second acts. But during the third act, she easily gets caught on her wrist and dragged away by a man her size so that the hero can rescue her.

On the male side would be a hero whose supposed to save the world but through most of his story constantly has to be bailed out by other side characters despite being the promised hero whose supposed to save the day.

In short, if your going to put the heroes or heroines in danger, it needs to be against something that anyone else would have trouble with. The situation has to be believable, therefore the threat to the couple is believable.

Example:

"Hikari! What happened to you?" Shinji asked as he untied his girlfriend from the ropes that loosely held Hikari to an off balance chair.

"I was...grabbed and then tied up until you came...thanks for saving me Shinji."

"I thought you were a black belt in White Lotus Kung Fu?"

"I am."

"Didn't you throw a man twice your size out of the ring with one arm?"

"Yeah..."

"So why couldn't you slip out of the grip of a guy in a wheelchair?"

"Well...today's an off-day for me-"

"And you're supposed to have a minor in escaping ropes. How come you didn't slip out of the ropes and make your escape?"

"Well..."

"I mean...you could've easily escaped on your own."

"I'm sorry..."

"I got shot while getting here..."

"Yeah...I dropped the ball didn't I?"

"More like grabbing a ball that you shouldn't have touched...love you anyway..."

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><p><em>4. Both Characters must contribute to the relationship.<em>

The main reason that people hate Mary Sues are because they never have to work for their relationship. They're so beautiful or cool that the other characters pull down their pants for them and obey their every whim. The other love interest actually worships the character more than they actually love them and in return, Mary Sue just treats them like a tool for self-gratification.

This is especially true for a relationship sue whose only role is to love the main character. Both characters have to contribute something to the other. Like in Beauty and the Beast, Belle had to learn to see past the Beast's exterior personality and beastial appearance to see the true good person that was inside. In return, Beast had to learn patience and selflessness in order for the two of them to have a loving bond and eventually return him to a human.

Even if it's something as simple as emotional support. Maybe the main hero has been abused for so long and lived such a traumatic and dark life that he doesn't know what love is. Maybe the main heroine just wants someone who will be there for her and know that she can trust them with anything.

Whatever you do, it has to be a two-way street.

Example:

...I can't think of one right now...it's just...I can't purposefully write a one-sided relationship...

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><p><em>5. Don't kill off the Hypotenuse.<em>

No matter how much you want to tell the audience about the one true pairing, avoid murdering the left-over love interest to avoid drama.

Not only are there better ways to avoid drama, but this ends up cheapening your pairing and makes you look like a rapid fanboy/fangirl who has a shrine in the back of your room.

In real life, people don't just die when they don't get the girl. They adapt and move on, some quicker than others, but the point remains.

In short, don't kill off the hypotenuse while they're a hypotenuse. Once the story and the audience can clearly see that your pairing will stick, then the spare love interest should just become one of the cast. You can even give them another appropriate love interest that no one will have seen coming.

Example:

"Why won't you fight back pussy?"

"Hikari's in there!" Shinji said to his father while the infected Unit 03 strangled his Eva with all four arms and him along with it, "I love her! I can't hurt her!"

"Fine..." Gendo decided, "Activate the dummy plug."

"But commander! It's a vile and cruel thing that will scar your son for life?"

"When have I given a damn about Shinji's well-being?" Gendo asked as the employees resisted the urge to kill this bastard, "Do it-"

"Wait!" A young voice cried out over the comm.

"Hikari?"

"You can do it Shinji!" Hikari cheered in a light blue test-type plugsuit, apparently Misato changed the Eva's pilot at the last minute.

"Wait...if your not in Eva then...who is?" Shinji asked as he started listing off names, "Rei? Toji? Mana? Kensuke? Mari?"

"It's actually Asuka." Eva's eyes lit up as it's arms pressed against Unit Three's grip. Then in a single stroke, Unit One wrapped it's hands around Unit Three's neck, snapping it in an instant as the Eva went to work.

(One over the top and savage gorn scene later.)

"I think that's all Shinji-" The bridge bunnies remained stunned as Unit One bit down on Unit Three's pilot capsule, threw down the pieces and ground them into the dirt with it's foot.

"That was traumatizing." Hyuga noted as he burned his ShinjixAsuka flag as millions of fangirl cried murder while Shinji went back to the hanger to reunite with his beloved Hikari.

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><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Hope these tips help any upcoming writers.**

**If I think of anymore then I'll write them up eventually, till then, read, review and enjoy!  
><strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**Copyright: Take what you will from this, but I own nothing...sadly...**

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><p><strong>How not to write an Evangelion Romance Fanfic<strong>

**-Inspired by sentinel28's story: How Not to Write Evangelion Fanfics**

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><p>Like any arc or story, all things must come to an end.<p>

As you're story goes on, you'll eventually have to resolve the love arc in a meaningful and impacting way. There's lots of ways that this can be done, but there are a list of terrible ways to end them as well.

I'm going to list the five worst ones.

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><p><em>1. Asspull Deus Ex Machina<em>

The worst thing that an author can do is write themselves into a corner. A situation that you can never resolve without either everyone dying or pulling out a plot device that came right out of nowhere.

Both of these are bad.

But the later of the two can be worst because inevitably it will look like a cop-out. Unless of course, it's a device what was alluded to earlier in your story, then it shows that you never forget anything and your audience will attribute brilliance to your writing style.

But having a plot device save the day that has never been brought up before then will weaken your credibility. Because no one will ever trust you to be able to resolve a conflict without blatantly breaking the rules of your own story.

Example:

Eva Unit 01 stood alone and wounded in the middle of a flock of Mass Produced Evas wielding chainsaws with wings that were enflamed and could shoot out glass shards that they controlled with their mind.

"I'm sorry Hikari...I won't make it..."

"DON'T SAY THAT SHINJI!"

"I really wanted to be there to see our child grow up-"

"You still can!"

"It's hopeless..." "But I want you to know that I love you..."

"Shinji!" Hikari cried as Shinji saw the flock of Evas fly down upon him.

"Hello." Shinji looked to see a robed figure standing on top of Unit 01's horn and as the figure rose his arms into the sky, a barrage of lightning bolts tore through the clear sky and ripped the Mass Produced Evas like a paper shredder acts towards paper.

"You saved my life mister." Shinji said to thank the mage who laughed at the carnage he had caused, "But...just who are you?"

"Someone who took a wrong turn into another universe." Mairon Amell said as he lifted up one of the MP Evas and compressed it into a vortex of metal and blood to create a portal, "I hate it when Cousland is right!"

"Huh..." Shinji said to himself as he watched the portal close behind the mage and Unit 01 stood in the middle of the slain MP evas, "I'm not complaining..."

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><p><em>2. Pulling the rug from underneath the protagonists<em>

Or having a down a downer ending for the sake of having a downer ending._  
><em>

This is the main reason that I hated Gurren Lagann's ending, because Nia died right after Simon just saved the universe during their wedding. It kind of invalidated everything that Simon had done up to that point and then the ending shows the characters in fates that they don't deserve or doesn't fit their character.

Yoko apparently took the sacrifices of the war terribly and never really healed...which was stupid and insulting; Rossiu kept his job as president of humanity after all of the crap he's done; Nia died due to a poorly explained and introduced plot device; Kamina's still dead of course and Simon didn't even shed a tear for Nia and became a drifting wanderer who EVERYONE FORGOT ABOUT EVEN THOUGH HE JUST SAVED THE UNIVERSE!

If you're going to have a downer ending, make it an ending that makes sense or was inevitable from the start. You know why Moulin Rouge was tragic? Because we knew from the start that Francine was dying from a disease and that this was inevitable regardless of what Christine and the Duke did.

Example:

"Now it's all over..."

"We can be together forever..."

"I love you Shinji."

"And I love you Hikari-" Just then, a bullet flew out of Hikari's neck and instantly killed her before Shinji's eyes, "HIKARI!"

"HA!" Asuka triumphantly celebrated, "That's for mauling me to death when I was in Unit 03 baka!"

"How the hell are you still alive?"

"You should've made sure that I was dead!"

"I did!" Shinji yelled in outrage, "I shot you twice in the head, threw you to a pack of rabid apes that broke your body like a rag doll and then dropped you into a tank of acid filled with acid-proof blood-thirsty sharks with F*%KING LASER BEAMS ATTACHED TO THEIR HEADS!"

"Oh..." Asuka said awkwardly, "Well...life's a bitch and then you sink." Another gunshot rang and Asuka fell onto her back with a bullet hole in her forehead.

"Good advice, lass." A mysterious pirate agreed while tossing something onto Hikari's body, "Here's a phoenix down, Shinji."

"Hikari!" Shinji exclaimed in joy as Hikari began to breath now that she was no longer dead, "And who are you?"

"I'm the leading man." The pirate answered, "Now if you'll excuse me...I'm late for an update."

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><p><em>3. Introducing a new crucial plot device during your conclusion<br>_

You know why everyone hates the Star Child from Mass Effect 3's ending? Because the brat appeared in the last 5 minutes and introduces a theme that we hadn't known or cared about up to that point. Through out the Mass Effect series, the central conflict was stopping the reapers from destroying the universe and uniting the many races to do so. The Synthetic/Organic conflict was present, but more as a background event and something for philosophical food and it was far from the big problem that the ME 3 ending painted it as.

Don't insult your audience by pulling a wool over their eyes when it comes to the ending. Keep it concise with everything that they've already seen. If you want to throw in a twist, then make it one that makes sense or was at least hinted at in a prior point. You could even get some laughs by resolving the conflict with a brick joke.

Just, don't make it something that betrays the spirit of your story...it's simply not smart or respectful to your audience.

Example:

"Hello Shinji."

"Who the hell are you?"

"I...Am...Psalm." The holographic child said to the wounded Shinji, "I created the angels to destroy humans so that they aren't killed by the angels that they birth."

"That makes no sense-"

"Well too bad! Because you have to play by my rules to have a happy ending! Pick your color: Blue; Red; or Green!"

"I've got a color for ya."

"What will you pick? Red-" Psalm was silenced when a bullet when through his eye and instantly killed him.

"White for the whites of your eye."

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><p><em>4. Forced Cliffhanger<em>

It simply robs closure.

Closure is important for the audience, because it's a sense that everything that has happened could have happened. This is what keeps a downer bittersweet ending from being a depressing mess of agony. Even if the hero doesn't win, the audience knows that they did everything that they can and that there's still hope for someone else to pick up from where they left off.

A forced cliffhanger is when something happens to inform the audience that the story is going to drag. Not only is the story going to drag, but the cliffhanger comes when so many questions are still unknown to us.

Example:

"Now what?"

"I don't know..." Shinji said to Hikari as they sat in front of the wreckage of their ship, "This doesn't even make sense."

"Weren't we just fleeing from the nuclear explosion of Seele's HQ? How did we end up on the moon?"

"I don't know..."

"And how come it suddenly has air and why isn't the ship working when it wasn't damaged by that explosion?"

"I can't say..."

"WHY CAN'T WE JUST BE LEFT ALONE!"

"I know..." Shinji assured his crying lover while looking directly at the forth wall, "It's alright...I'm here...even if someone out there wants to prolong our suffering...greedy selfish bastards!"

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><p><em>5. Breaking your character in order to get the ending that you wanted.<em>

There's nothing wrong with setting in stone your desired ending since you are the author. But remember that you have an audience that reads your story and be sure to incorporate things that they'd want to see. The worst thing that you could possibly do is break a character's established character just to hammer in a point that was barely explained at all.

Remember Gundam Stardust Memory? Yes, it's one of two series in the universal era of gundam where Zeon wins. Every other time, the gundam pilot stops Zeon's plan and everything resolves itself in a happy but also bittersweet outcome due to the sacrifices made to achieve victory. In Stardust Memory, this doesn't happen. The Delaz Fleet drops the colony on earth, the Federation fleet is devasted and our valiant heroes lose.

SO WHY DID NINA SUDDENLY SHOOT AT KOU? Remember how mad you were when this happened? Even though we saw them as a strong couple, the story shoehorns in a Bull-shit plot twist about Gato and Nina being former lovers even though Nina has never mentioned Gato before then and even though Gato is trying to drop a colony onto earth, Nina is defending him against Kou, shoots at Kou and helps Gato set the colony towards earth!

When you have a desired ending, you have to build up for it, you have to foreshadow it, you can't just bring it out of nowhere...especially if you have to break a character to get it done!

Example:

"PenPen!" Shinji said in betrayal as he looked at the bullet hole in his stomach, "Why? Why have you betrayed me!"

"Because Gendo is my father!" The Penguin spoke while holding a smoking shotgun, "That's right! Gendo was with my mother...a young penguin of the Atlantic...and I must defend him!"

"A penguin, Gendo?"

"You're just jealous of my charm, Ritsuko."

"But he doesn't give a shit about you!" Shinji said to Penpen, "Look at how he's treated me! And what about Misato? What about the friendships that you've made and-"

"Right now...none of those matter to me for some reason!" Penpen shouted as he pointed his shotgun to Shinji, "DIE!" Gunshot after gunshot rang until the penguin ran out of ammo.

"Damn...it...I'm sorry...Hikari..."

"She'll be more sorry when I have my way with her over and over again..." Gendo stated to his dying son, "The truth is Shinji...she's your twin sister."

"NO!" Shinji cried as he rolled out of bed.

"You okay Shinji?"

"I'm fine Hikari..." Shinji said as he climbed back into bed and hugged his wife, "Just a bad dream..."

(Did you really think I'd let Gendo win?)

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><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**I think this will be the last update. I honestly can't think of anything more that will help you guys, I've told you tips about writing the story, pacing it, and how to eventually end it. Hopefully you had a few laughs from it as well.  
><strong>

**So love you all and...wait a minute...  
><strong>

**There's still plenty of ways to screw up a love story! I've still gotta talk about generic interactions, romance plot tumors, unrealistic lemon scenes written by people with no sense of the anatomy of the partners, forgetting about the other characters in your story and so on!  
><strong>

**If anyone has anything else that they want to hear about, let me know! Till later my friends.  
><strong>


	4. Chapter 4

Hello!

I'm that guy whose given you 15 tips on how not to write a Romance Fic here with an especial group of tips that are crucial for narrative cohesion.

So let's get the heavy stuff out of the way. For the record, this going to seem a bit like a rant then everything else simply because of the subject matter, so there sadly won't be any example's where I poke fun at it...it'll be in the text in a more subdued manner.

So if that isn't your cup of tea or you don't want to read this, please skip this chapter and wait for the next one...

I'll wait...

...

...

...

...

Okay, who's left? Really?

There are Three Subjects that also double as Three Ways to completely **Destroy** the Narrative Cohesion of your romance fic or any fic if done improperly. At least from my point of view. These three branch into various mistakes, so if you avoid these three then you're less likely to make any of the branch-off mistakes.

I'll list them out here:

Sex: Two characters engaging in the reproductive dance for the purposes of pleasure, bonding, consecration, and/or reproduction.

Rape: Where one or more characters use a warped variant of sex as a weapon against another character for the purposes of domination, evil, cruelty, selfishness, and whatever else you can come up with.

Abortion: When the pregnancy of an expecting character is terminated through planned means (technological; magical; medical; etc.)

...Heavy isn't this? I warned you.

These are heavy topics that need to be approached carefully and with thought. In short, you don't fuck around these subjects...you really don't. If you treat them too lightly, then it's unrealistic and unengaging, if you make it too dark and twisted in a setting that doesn't call for it, you're becoming Hideki Anno and Viral is looking up your address to come kick your ass.

Now I'll explain why.

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><p><em><strong>1. Sex<strong>_

Ah...the good ol' reproductive dance.

I've read a lot of stories featuring "lemon scenes" where two characters engage in sex. (Question, why are they called lemons?)

I'll be honest, out of these three, sex is the least heavy because there's nothing intrinsically wrong with the act itself. The motivations of those involved can be warped and different societies have their take on what's okay in sex and what isn't. But the act itself is okay.

When portrayed appropriately to the tone of the story that it's in.

In short, don't treat it too seriously if it's in a setting that no one takes seriously anyway. You want to have a male with a foot-long "_spear_"? Go ahead. You want your female character to be a savage beast in bed when you wouldn't think otherwise from how she is in the outdoors? Fine. You want to have a couple engage in nothing but intercourse for a whole week? Just make sure that they don't miss anything important.

You want them to have vigorous amounts of energy even though their both virgins? You want the girl's stomach to inflate from having her _taco_ stuffed with so much _beef_? You want to have dirty love making with a _rod_ that presses all the way out her mouth on the otherside?...eh...no.

When writing a lemon, you still have to adhere to the laws of common sense. It's pretty much a fact that no matter how energetic you are or how you horny you can get...the first time isn't going to be a week-long slam fest. That's just not how it happens...I don't care if your Gary Stu ran a marathon around the world and had enough energy to go twice, first contact won't last longer than ten minutes if that long.

Also, don't make the guy's meat SO BIG THAT IT CAUSES PHYSICAL INTERNAL INJURY TO THE WOMAN! THAT'S THE SAME DAMN THING THAT TWILIGHT DID IN BREAKING DAWN! THAT'S BORDERING INTO THE NEXT TOPIC!

DO NOT FORGET ABOUT THE PHYSICAL STRUCTURE OF THE HUMAN (or alien/saiyan/humanoid/insert here) THAT'S ENGAGING IN THE ACTION! The naval is not an orifice...neither is the ear...it is impossible for a woman to have four people inside of her at the same time...If your rod can go so far into a woman's body that it comes out through her mouth, you're killing her because of the organs that you likely had to break through to get there!...MEN...CAN'T...GET...PREGNANT!

Also...unless protection is involved...it's an inter-species relationship with two races where pregnancy is difficult/impossible...or one of the characters is clearly impotent...when you have unprotected sex...there is an 80 to 85% chance that the female will get pregnant. Characters don't get to have unprotected sex and not have to deal with pregnancy.

That's just screwing with common sense...please don't do that.

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><p><strong><em>2. Rape<em>**

I know who I am when I say this.

I'm not perfect and I'm a hot-blooded male who likes the occasional sexy woman in battle torn outfits that show off some of their physique and assets.

But rape is one of the most horrifying things that a human being can do another person. It defiles both sex and the victim at the same time by twisting what's supposed to be a consummate and intimate experience and turns it into a nightmare that the victim will never be able to wake up from. Even if the rapist is imprisoned or murdered, the act cannot be undone. Even if you magically restore the victim's virtue or erase their memories, they'll still be scarred by what happened to them on the deepest level. Try as they might, they may never get "better" from the act. It changes them and the people around them forever.

As Bennett the Sage further put it, _"Such an act, if included in a narrative, _will bring it to a grinding halt_.You have to respect your audience and address the issue directly. You do not diminish this violent act by making it the sidestory."_

If you're going to put rape into your story, you better address it properly. This is not something that happens and then we all forget about it by running through a field. You don't sweep this under a carpet and leave it there. You have to keep it within the attention of the audience, you have to show it's repercussions.

That's why, out of the all three issues, this is the one that I'll tell you to steer the furthest away from. Once you put it in, it's a game changer for both your story and the characters involved.

With that in mind, I'll say this with utmost sincerity and respect...HOWEVER THE FUCK CAME UP WITH THE IDEA THAT RAPE IS LOVE IS A COMPLETE DUMBASS! IF I EVER SEE THAT IDIOT IN MY CORNER OF TOWN, I WILL MURDER THEM IN THE STREET!

Sorry...I wouldn't go quite that far...but...damn it! I hate the "Rape is Love" trope! Rape and love do not go hand in hand. If you really love someone so much that you have to force yourself on them, then it's not love. Love is selfless; rape is absolute selfishness!

And whoever thought that a woman believes she's loved because she was raped is horribly misinformed about the female psyche or the human psyche in general. Especially with something like sex.

Maybe if the author were to make clear that the victim's mindset isn't in the clear through some circumstance, then it could work. But only if the victim comes to their senses and brings the rapist into the open for what they did and gives them what they deserve.

Another trope that came from this that I really don't like is to demonize the third party by having them rape or attempt to rape one of the characters. Especially when it's someone who fans know would NEVER commit such an act. I won't name it, but I once read a fic where Riku from Kingdom Hearts raped Kairi and then laughs about it when Sora finds out and confronts him. I...I couldn't take the story seriously after that...and I had no desire to even read further at all...

You don't use rape as a catch-all indication that someone is evil...especially when it horribly rips apart their set character cornerstones. Now there are characters who could do it...namely someone whose already evil or has already crossed the Moral Event Horizon. I'm not too surprised with fics where Gendo rapes/attempts to rape Rei, Ritsuko or some other woman. The man is complete monster already, him raping someone else would just be icing on the cake at the point.

That said...Shinji tying up Asuka, Rei, Mari and Hikari and repeatedly raping all four repeatedly while laughing maniacally before setting their beds on fire with them still tied to it would be the product of a sick-depraved mind. Shinji may have self-esteem issues, he may have jerked off to unconscious Asuka while in the midst of a mental breakdown, and he does need therapy...but Shinji would never rape someone...I don't care how OCC he is or how much the author is bashing him.

YOU JUST DON'T DO IT!

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><p><em><strong>3. Abortion<strong>_

I'll keep this one brief.

Have the character's decision in mind, ensure that they explain why they made the decision and have them endure the consequence of that decision.

There's good and bad arguments on either side of this topic. But if you're going to bring it up, you better know what you're talking about. And the mouth-piece that you use better be an appropriate one.

I'm not going to listen to the Joker berate Harley Quinn for wanting to having an abortion...HE'S THE JOKER! HE'S A PSYCHOPATHIC MONSTER WHO COMMITS HORRENDOUS ACTS BECAUSE HE THINKS IT'S FUNNY! I'm not going to listen to the Comedian tell convince a rape victim to have their baby...HE SHOT THE WOMAN THAT HE KNOCKED UP WHILE SHE WAS PREGNANT WITH HIS CHILD! I'm not going to see Twilight try to preach about this subject...IT'S A STORY WHERE A TEENAGE BRAT IS CHOOSING BETWEEN NECROPHILIA AND BEASTIALITY AND GOT PREGNANT BECAUSE THE STORY BROKE IT'S OWN RULES WITHOUT EXPLANATION!

That's all that I'm going to say about this one.

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><p><strong><em>4. Conclusion<em>**

That wasn't so bad...or hard to write.

I'm not going to tell you not to include these at all. But if you are, you better know the subject matter and either treat it with the weight it deserves or make the situation with the subject so ridiculous that no one will be offended because it can't be applied to real-life.

Example: South Park makes fun of everything and this makes it either a great show to some or a bad show to others. One example of this is with Mr. Garrison's constant change of sex and gender and the wacky situations that he gets into. It touches on all of the listed subjects, but the situations and Garrison's reactions to them are so ridiculous, so non-realistic and very fitting with South Park's tone that they're hilarious! At least to me.

Or the episode where the boys had flashbacks where Indiana Jones was raped by George Lucas and Steven Spielberg to symbolize how terrible the newest Indiana Jones movie was and how Lucas and Spielberg "raped" the series and a lot of people's childhoods. That was pretty funny...at least to me since I actually liked the new movie and the notion that Indiana Jones was "raped" is a huge exaggeration. And that's what made it funny!

When an Abridged Series takes something makes it somehow funny, they do so in respect to the subject matter. Hell, HBi2k couldn't go with his original plan for the ending of Berserk Abridged because he couldn't make a particular rape scene funny. He said something to the effect of: "There's a difference between joking about the topic of rape and joking about rape when it's actually happening in the scene."

You know the trope: Rape is funny when it's x on y? Like it's giant amazon women raping Fry and Zapp on Futurama? **THAT WAS HILARIOUS!** Because they're about to be raped to death, but they're also about to have "snu snu" with a tribe of giant amazon women. Plus, it's a comedy, so the writers are poking fun at the situation and these idiots rather than rape itself. The humor here came from their alternating reactions from horror to joy; from pain to pleasure.

But...BUT!...That only works if the tone of your story will allow it. If it's a parody or a humorous story, then you can do something to that effect if you're really good and only if you keep the comedy focused on the situation and not exactly the act itself.

That's why I seemed kind of lenient in the sex category. In truth, there are people out there with ridiculously large lances and some people "ascend" quicker than others during the reproductive dance...it's all relative. It's fanfiction, you're probably writing in a category where the laws of physics are already taking a backseat, so go ahead and have fun with it. Just don't have too much fun to where it you break the laws of common sense.

If it's a drama...or a tragic story...no. You give this situation the weight that it deserves or don't bring it up at all. I don't care if it's not a downer situation and you only have sex in the story, give it the attention that it deserves. Hell, do that even if it's a humorous story, trust me, there's a way to balance humor and reverence.

Even if it's only in the backstory of a character, you stay consistent on how it's affected them and what became of it's results. You don't have an important character casually mention the number of times that her abusive stepmother drugged her and whored her out to men twice her age for a cigarette and then never deal with it physically, mentally or psychologically.

So there you have it.

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><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**I've had that on my mind for a while and wanted to share it all with you. For those who don't think that I'm too qualified to talk myself, I was kind of sparked by a pair of fics that really pressed my buttons by disregarding the major two topics of the three that I mentioned.  
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**If you have anything that you'd like to add, a counter argument, your own opinion or an idea for the next chapter...put them in the review or send me a PM.  
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**Until next time, read, write and review.  
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